I DON’T want to share and you can’t make me!

I keep secret food in the kitchen that I refuse to share. There. I said it. 

It may be cake, a can of frosting, a pint of ice cream, a can of potted meat, a boat load of asparagus, cream cheese. It could be anything. I sneak in and eat these items in secret. Just a bite or two here and there when I get a moment. I feel angry and annoyed when  anyone comes in during my “bite” and I have to cover up my secret food item so they don’t want some. And I get really angry if someone actually finds my stash. The usual someone is usually my husband. Though sometimes the kids may spot my secret food.  I feel irritated when I hear, “OHHHH I didn’t know we had THIS!” Or an accusing, “You have (fill in the blank here). Is there any more in there?” I have no problem telling him that if he wouldn’t pig out on everything in the house I wouldn’t have to stash it for myself.

Why do I do this? And why do I get so angry when  my “bites” are interrupted or my stash is discovered? I have not always done this. It’s a fairly new habit. Just over the past few years have I felt the need to do this.

A little insight here. Say we have a quart of ice cream or a bag of potato chips or anything else for that matter. My husband is the world’s worst about going in and devouring way more than his fair share with absolutely no regard for others who may want some. He may leave behind some teensy weensy bit that really is only a tease. Or if he serves some to the kids he gives them a whole hell of a lot more than a kid should be having. Basically any such item is never around any reasonable length of time. I don’t think it is reasonable for a quart of ice cream to be gone in a day, or a pack of cookies, etc… some of these things should be eaten in reasonable quantities.

I used to find myself stuffing my face with what ever the item happened to be in an effort to just get my share before the bottomless pit came in to suck it all up. It seemed like a chore trying to just get a damned scoop of ice cream or a couple of cookies before they were all gone. Aside from the fact that it gets expensive trying to keep food in the house it is terrible for a person’s health. My husband is a fat man. He is 5′ 11″ and 235 pounds. He lies in bed all day watching TV on his day off, he has a desk job, he eats massive amounts of garbage, he makes many trips to the kitchen in the night to snack, he knows no reasonable limit. It is not unusual for him to eat a half a box of cereal in a night. I have had to hide necessary food staples in order to preserve our grocery budget. So it’s not just treats, it’s everything really. I guess if we were wealthy that part wouldn’t matter so much. But as I mentioned earlier it is also a matter of health. Have I talked to him? Of course. My words fall on deaf ears.

At any rate. I have stopped the battle of groceries. If I want cake I buy a single slice of cake. I have a couple of bites and stash it. Later on I will have a couple more bites. When I want it the cake is there since no one knows about it. Or that pint of ice cream hidden behind the mountain of frozen vegetables, or that bag of chips hidden in a stock pot. Sometimes I get something and eat what I want of it then put it out for everyone else. Sometimes I feel guilty but then I think of all the times I refrained from eating something because I thought the rest of the family may want some and if I had any it would mean there would not be enough for them. How often does anyone say, “Hey! I think the woman who did all the grocery shopping would like some too!” Never. Ever.

I went through a time of having about zero control over my appetite or how much junk I was eating. Partly it was because I felt if I wanted something I had to beat someone else to it. I think it snowballed from there. I have always been prone to doing thins to obsession anyway. All this trying to get a bite of something while it was around did not help at all. Now that I have lost over 40 pounds and have established normal eating patterns I feel good. Part of hiding certain food comes from trying to maintain this normalcy. I have spent quite a very long time weighing and logging every damned thing that goes into my mouth. I would fall off then gain back some pounds, then get back on again. Now I see what normal eating actually looks like. I haven’t been logging my food lately but I have been mindful of how much I eat. Would that change if I went back to fighting for my food? I think it would. I’m not in here pigging out on some massive stash of deliciousness every day. But when I have a craving, especially during PMS I would like to just have a little of what I really want and not have to beat someone else to it. There seems to be a, “We have to eat this right fucking NOW!” attitude about some food items. I just think it would be nice to have it when I want it and not have to force it down just so I get to have it before it’s gone.

Am I really wrong? I don’t feel wrong.



Author: learninglife203

Any time I sit down to put anything in an "about me" section I draw a blank. Let's see if after all these months of having this blog I can drum something up. Hmmm.... Well I can't commit. I have trouble doing anything with the stench of permanency attached to it. I have two children and we are a home school family and we like it! I have a lifelong history of depression and roughly the past 25 years of my life panic and anxiety.I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and crazy people I'm afraid. I have always been told I am the normal one. I guess all that sobriety must have ensured my position as the black sheep of the family. I used to write a lot but once I became a wife and mother there was no time for that anymore. I have never been good at socializing. I am awkward and never know what to say, how to say it, or when. I have been using this blog as my venting place for all sorts of things though I do hope to include some more pleasant entries in the future. I was obese just a few months ago. I have lost 40 pounds so far and am on my way to a healthy weight. I have some good "fitness friends" who have provided support, encouragement and advice which kept me from getting derailed. I am working on self improvement in a lot of ways. I can't be perfect but I can be better at the very least.

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