Feeling guilty about my honest feelings.

My cousin was killed a little over two weeks ago. When I first heard the news I was shocked and sad. Well….. not surprised mind you, just shocked that what I had kind of imagined would happen actually did. You see my cousin was not a very nice person as a rule. That’s not to say she was a rotten person through and through, she just had this mean and spiteful and vengeful streak. She was gossiping, nasty, judgmental and would do all kinds of things for evil satisfaction. She had always been that way since as far back as I can remember. Yet she did have some kindness when it came to homeless people and poor children. But when it came down to family, friends and neighbors? Nope. Nothing nice there in the least.

In high school she began dating my boyfriend behind my back. That hurt. A LOT. She used to rob me and my sister blind when she came to our house or when we went to her house.If you had anything you wanted to keep, keep it away from her. She would tell lie after lie. I was afraid to allow her into my life after I had kids because I was afraid of what she would do. She was angry that My sister and I had kids and she did not. I assumed she would make a false report of child abuse just for spite. Because that’s just how she rolled. Turned out she had been telling the family outrageous lies about me and my children and husband to the family, and she had never even been to our home or even really spoke to me for a number of years. Even when we did speak she didn’t know a darned thing about us because I was afraid to invite her over or to visit the family because of her.

When she died I found out she had an addiction to crack. She had gone to meet her dealer, and apparently tried to snatch the drugs and drive away without paying. She didn’t count on him shooting at the car as she sped away. She was hit twice in the head after he fired at least 5 shots at the rear of the vehicle. She died instantly. I do not know how long she had that particular habit. I assume it did affect who she was to a degree. I mean she was already crazy. I do mean that about as literally as possible. Ask anyone who ever knew her in her life and they will tell you she was crazy. She was the biggest drama queen you would have ever known. She also seemed to have no fear of authority or consequences. She seemed to think she was invincible. Doing outrageous things. I assume once a person does so many things that should have ended in disaster, yet they came out lucky they develop a sense of comfort with their actions. So she was already a mental case and here she was smoking crack, also she had MS and I hear that can take it’s mental toll as well as some of the medications for it. She never stood a chance I’m afraid.

I don’t say all this to bash the dead, or to make her look bad. I say it because this is where it gets to be an emotional tug-of-war with me. While I feel terrible about how she died and all she suffered with in this life…… I can’t believe I am about to even put this out there….. I feel a little relieved at the same time. Not glad or happy mind you. But just a sense of relief underneath my sadness. Now I can try to visit family again and not worry about what she may do, or say or whatever. I feel terrible that her mother, father, and brother now have to face this grief in their life. I know she was loved dearly by those very close to her and her death is nothing to celebrate. But my feelings do conflict. My heart breaks knowing she must have been suffering underneath her abrasiveness. An addiction she couldn’t shake, an illness she would never be free of, wanting to have children she could not have. She didn’t grow up in the most stable home. Her father was a crazy alcoholic and addict. As are many other of my relatives. Somehow I never took up any type of chemical dependency. Well…. I do love my morning coffee. I also did smoke a pack a day for about 15 years. I love my chocolate. I do have tendencies to get hooked on other things. Just not drugs or alcohol. So it’s there, just in a different way. Maybe it’s hereditary? Maybe it’s just a matter of being a product of one’s environment? Who knows. I know I feel bad for feeling somewhat relieved though.

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Author: learninglife203

Any time I sit down to put anything in an "about me" section I draw a blank. Let's see if after all these months of having this blog I can drum something up. Hmmm.... Well I can't commit. I have trouble doing anything with the stench of permanency attached to it. I have two children and we are a home school family and we like it! I have a lifelong history of depression and roughly the past 25 years of my life panic and anxiety.I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and crazy people I'm afraid. I have always been told I am the normal one. I guess all that sobriety must have ensured my position as the black sheep of the family. I used to write a lot but once I became a wife and mother there was no time for that anymore. I have never been good at socializing. I am awkward and never know what to say, how to say it, or when. I have been using this blog as my venting place for all sorts of things though I do hope to include some more pleasant entries in the future. I was obese just a few months ago. I have lost 40 pounds so far and am on my way to a healthy weight. I have some good "fitness friends" who have provided support, encouragement and advice which kept me from getting derailed. I am working on self improvement in a lot of ways. I can't be perfect but I can be better at the very least.

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