Feeling sad.

I have to put some of my feelings out the door before bed. Maybe it will help me sleep.

Maybe.

My cousin was shot and killed last night. Someone reported a single vehicle car crash within an apartment complex. When police arrived they found a woman in the vehicle with a gunshot wound. She later died at the hospital. They don’t know who did it or why as of yet. Knowing my cousin it was likely drug related. Also she was “bat-shit crazy” as it were. I do not doubt she went out and did something crazy to get herself killed. Not to defame the dead but it’s just being honest at this point. My heart goes out to her mother most of all. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

I find myself struggling with this whole thing. I had not spoke to Mary in years. She actually was the one who broke contact with me. We never reconciled. I feel terribly guilty about that. But at the same time maybe I’m glad. It would be such a greater devastation to have been close with her and then be left to mourn her death.

Is it bad for me to feel somewhat glad or relieved that we drifted apart so that I would feel less pain at this point? I find myself feeling this way more frequently about people. I don’t want to feel the pain of loss so I try not to get so close that it would really put me down if someone dies.

Sigh…… I don’t know. Tomorrow I will probably come in here and really blog the hell out of my feelings.

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Author: learninglife203

Any time I sit down to put anything in an "about me" section I draw a blank. Let's see if after all these months of having this blog I can drum something up. Hmmm.... Well I can't commit. I have trouble doing anything with the stench of permanency attached to it. I have two children and we are a home school family and we like it! I have a lifelong history of depression and roughly the past 25 years of my life panic and anxiety.I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and crazy people I'm afraid. I have always been told I am the normal one. I guess all that sobriety must have ensured my position as the black sheep of the family. I used to write a lot but once I became a wife and mother there was no time for that anymore. I have never been good at socializing. I am awkward and never know what to say, how to say it, or when. I have been using this blog as my venting place for all sorts of things though I do hope to include some more pleasant entries in the future. I was obese just a few months ago. I have lost 40 pounds so far and am on my way to a healthy weight. I have some good "fitness friends" who have provided support, encouragement and advice which kept me from getting derailed. I am working on self improvement in a lot of ways. I can't be perfect but I can be better at the very least.

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