I have to put some of my feelings out the door before bed. Maybe it will help me sleep.
My cousin was shot and killed last night. Someone reported a single vehicle car crash within an apartment complex. When police arrived they found a woman in the vehicle with a gunshot wound. She later died at the hospital. They don’t know who did it or why as of yet. Knowing my cousin it was likely drug related. Also she was “bat-shit crazy” as it were. I do not doubt she went out and did something crazy to get herself killed. Not to defame the dead but it’s just being honest at this point. My heart goes out to her mother most of all. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
I find myself struggling with this whole thing. I had not spoke to Mary in years. She actually was the one who broke contact with me. We never reconciled. I feel terribly guilty about that. But at the same time maybe I’m glad. It would be such a greater devastation to have been close with her and then be left to mourn her death.
Is it bad for me to feel somewhat glad or relieved that we drifted apart so that I would feel less pain at this point? I find myself feeling this way more frequently about people. I don’t want to feel the pain of loss so I try not to get so close that it would really put me down if someone dies.
Sigh…… I don’t know. Tomorrow I will probably come in here and really blog the hell out of my feelings.