The usual. Panic. Anxiety. Worry. It snowballs into a massive and unimaginable beast in just a short time. One thought leads to a worry avalanche. “What if I have this disease or that disorder?” I blogged on the Bell’s Palsy I had back in May of 2011 some time ago. The worry of a relapse plagues me often as well as the worry that it could be something more. I saw a neurologist back when the Bell’s hit and he felt that it was simply Bell’s Palsy and nothing more. Yet I choose to worry.
Choose. To. Worry.
Worry is a choice.
Yesterday an online friend pointed out that “It either will or won’t happen regardless of how much you worry.” That may not be an exact quote, but you still get the idea. She made that comment and it set my mind going back to better places. No matter if or how much we worry what ever we worry about either will or won’t happen. So then why on earth would worry be the choice? If anything the stress of worry can make anyone sick, or at least make us believe that we are. Yet we choose this. Worry seems to be almost an indulgence. Why is worry so irresistible? Why isn’t feeling happy, peaceful and at ease just as irresistible as debilitating, mind numbing, body wrecking worry, fear and panic? If we can fantasize and wallow in worry and what terrible things could happen then why not put that energy into fantasizing about all the wonderful things that could happen? The bills will all be paid and money will no longer be a point of stress, our health will be perfect, our relationships free of conflict.
We just HAVE to worry about a cheating spouse, being poor and broke beyond repair, being sick and with one foot in the grave. Gotta get that gray hair right? Let’s worry until we end up with stress related illness. Because THAT must be so much better than health and happiness. I stand in awe of human beings. We are the most self destructive creatures this planet has to offer. And we CHOOSE to be that way. Even people who seem positive and life affirming are somehow destroying themselves.
I have been known to meditate and think positive thoughts. I used to make this a habit. It didn’t last for some reason. Somewhere along my way I fell back into these old habits of worry and panic. Perhaps it was laziness. Maybe I was complacent. Feeling better can create complacency. I began meditation as a means of getting my panic and anxiety under control. I feel I accomplished that but I did not work to hold on to that change. Change is worked toward and we forget that we must work to maintain the change.
I find it funny how my source of worry and panic has changed over time. When I was in my teens I worried about natural disasters. If a tornado watch or thunderstorm watch came across the news it was a crazy time for me. I would experience major anxiety. I would pace the floor and watch the clock until the watch or warning had passed, keep an eagle eye on the weather map or news broadcast. I could not rest until the idea that there was a danger had passed. I would worry more about external events rather than my health or something happening to me physically. I also had panic attacks unrelated to any external source. Just random, out of the blue panic. Thinking I was about to die, my mouth so dry my lips were stuck to my teeth, shortness of breath, shaking, sweating etc…. Now my anxiety, worry and panic are always health related. The weather does not phase me, the idea of an outbreak of disease does not worry me. I worry about developing some illness or disease. Heart disease or impending heart failure one day and worry about some debilitating neurological failure the next. A worry about going blind for the month of October, a worry about a brain tumor in December. Little things trigger these worry marathons. Even with a clean medical report I still keep up the worry. It can be very difficult not to allow a little thought to snowball into something horrid. It is a discipline because once a little trickle of worry comes down it’s easy to forget all resolve to conquer this beast. All wisdom and logic disappear.
It is time to change this. Because I NEED to and because I CAN. I must now CHOOSE not to worry. Not to panic. I have to CHOOSE to be peaceful and happy and healthy. This is my choice.