Looking deeper.

I am trying to unravel the mysteries of me.

What makes me tick? How far have the roots of all my character flaws burrowed?

My intolerance of other people, my superficial view of others, my cynical nature, my need to get rid of people who seem to try and get close to me.

I could name at least 100 flaws.

Funny though, it seems people put things out there at just the right time. Almost as if God himself has instructed the universe to bring certain people and things to help me understand or to bring my attention to what needs work. I find myself seeing and hearing an awful lot which makes me pause and raise an eye brow.


How does a person change in the first place. Aside from the obvious “just do it”?  It’s not always easy to “just” change. If we don’t understand ourselves or how we affect others change will certainly not be meaningful or real. I don’t want to “just” change things I say or do, I want to change my mindset, my thoughts, my opinions and feelings. My view of others and situations so that when I speak or act it is true and not simply a superficial effort. I have made this effort a very conscious one lately.

For example, the grocery cashier was having this long conversation with the woman she was ringing up. Going on about the tradition of hiding a pickle decoration in the Christmas tree and who ever finds it gets a special present. This conversation was causing her to take much longer to just ring the person up and move on to the rest of us. Now normally I look at that and roll my eyes, heave a sigh and look around for another register. I wear my impatience like a feather in my hat. My feelings of annoyance like warts on a toad. This day I felt myself coming to that and I chose to look at this conversation and instead of judging and snarling I smiled. I smiled and thought, “That woman sure does look happy talking about this fun thing she just heard of. I hope she enjoys Christmas with her family.” My feelings softened, and my heart grew three sizes that day. I yanked that sled off of the mountainside and rushed back down to Whoville to give back all the presents.

In refraining from a reaction in favor of a response I was able to halt that moment of irritation. It is all these little things that we allow to get under the skin that edge us towards a chronic attitude problem. I am tired of having a chip on my shoulder. I don’t want to be irritated, annoyed or feel like everyone in the world must surely be on a mission to get under my skin or to keep me standing in line as long as possible. If I can take a single instance each day to exercise my best self then surely I will get stronger when it comes to fighting off a bad attitude. This is what I’m striving for at the very least. Surely other people out there are striving for the same?


Author: learninglife203

Any time I sit down to put anything in an "about me" section I draw a blank. Let's see if after all these months of having this blog I can drum something up. Hmmm.... Well I can't commit. I have trouble doing anything with the stench of permanency attached to it. I have two children and we are a home school family and we like it! I have a lifelong history of depression and roughly the past 25 years of my life panic and anxiety.I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and crazy people I'm afraid. I have always been told I am the normal one. I guess all that sobriety must have ensured my position as the black sheep of the family. I used to write a lot but once I became a wife and mother there was no time for that anymore. I have never been good at socializing. I am awkward and never know what to say, how to say it, or when. I have been using this blog as my venting place for all sorts of things though I do hope to include some more pleasant entries in the future. I was obese just a few months ago. I have lost 40 pounds so far and am on my way to a healthy weight. I have some good "fitness friends" who have provided support, encouragement and advice which kept me from getting derailed. I am working on self improvement in a lot of ways. I can't be perfect but I can be better at the very least.

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