Putting myself back together.

I can’t be the only one. Somewhere, somehow I allowed myself to fall apart.First it was the weight gain, then it was the clothes and  make-up, then it was the hair and the showers, the thoughts and feelings. All of these things fell out like tiles from a mosaic. They got kicked around in the business of life and lost in the clutter or swept into the trash. Then the house fell behind, general things that need to be done fell behind too. “You mean I didn’t pay a single bill the past two pay days?!” Everything around me is in a state of chaos and shameful disarray. The desk which was once so organized and the bills which always got paid like clockwork now resemble the ruins of a lost city of some ancient civilization. What’s going to be next? Will this pattern of destruction continue until I hit some nasty and unfathomable rock bottom? Have I already hit that bottom?

It all fell down so gradually I barely even noticed. I have to wonder why….. just why? Is it me? Is it some invisible force or feeling? Is this just the normal business of life? I find myself trying to put it all back together only to find myself crumpled in the shadows of defeat over and over …… and over…..again. Sigh….. “I’m going to stay on top of this mess! I am going to get this place clean and keep it clean!” Two days later I barely notice the usual failure to realize the dream. I don’t want to blame others but it would help to have someone backing me up. Asking repeatedly for the kids to help clean their messes, or for the husband to help motivate the kids…. it feels like another chore just trying to rally the troops. Take the TV away and they don’t care. Take away the iPad and they don’t care. I once I began the practice of putting every thing I had to pick up into a box and into the storage shed. No one cared. I am at a loss as to how to remedy this problem. I want a clean home and I don’t want to have to act like a screaming mad woman to get it. I also don’t want to chase the same mess in constant circles to get it. It’s a terrible feeling to spend 2-3 hours getting it all clean just to turn around 10 minutes later to see the living room so messy the sight of the floor is a faraway dream.

I think if I can feel put together maybe I will actually put it all back together. Currently if I get a shower more than once every week and a half I feel like I have accomplished something. How sad is it when your New Years resolution is to go no more than one day with out a shower? I look at myself and see unbrushed hair and sometimes unbrushed teeth. A face that needs a washing, eyebrows that look like something from bad artwork. Oh, and the weight. Sigh…..I was thinking today that maybe I could start by spending a required 10 minute minimum on my appearance. Aside from a daily shower of course. So today I did it. I spent a little over 10 minutes actually brushing my hair and even trying to do something other than slapping my bangs into a clip and my hair into a rather ghastly looking braid. A little lipstick and I even tried putting some eye brows on. I have lost 35 pounds so far in my weight loss efforts so that feels wonderful. Being obese was never something I expected to have to remedy. But here we are. While I am no longer obese I still have a little left to lose. Looking better has got to lead to feeling better.Feeling better has got to lead to functioning better. I hope.

I need to get closer to God. I feel that while I believe and have faith that I neglect establishing that relationship. Perhaps this was the first stepping stone on my road to disaster. I have made an effort to devote time morning and night to prayer and a daily devotional. For a person who has more Bibles than an old church on the hill, daily devotional books and publications out the wazoo both hard copy and in email you would think I spent more time with the Lord.  So I have kept this up for 5 days so far. I also make sure to put prayer time into the middle of my day. Just for expressing thanks. I am grateful and thankful beyond measure because I have done without in life and I know how that feels. I know that any day can bring any thing and you never know what will be gone in the blink of an eye. I don’t know if there is enough gratitude in the world for the abundant flow of blessings. Not just for food, but for the clean kitchen to prepare it in and a working stove and electricity and the money to pay that bill.  I could carry on here but you get my sentiment I’m sure. So time with God. I have been right on top of that. My conversations with our Heavenly Father have awarded me some serious reality checks. And sincere requests for forgiveness.

Looking inward to change myself should have always been my first step. I have allowed myself to become snappish, rude, bossy and generally unpleasant. I am not the kind of person I would want to live with. Like…. EVER. If anyone treated me the way I treat others I would have some serious words for that person. So on the road to improvement I have to start inside. My disposition is rivaled only by my horrid appearance. Perhaps all the nasty has leaked out and taken over the outside. I can make a dozen excuses for my persistent foul mood but in the end I cannot truly blame others for what I choose to do no matter the reason. How do I maintain a bearable personality in the face of what I feel drives me over the edge on a daily basis?  This will be my challenge. In my conversations with God I spill my guts on all of these things and ask for guidance. I have to keep other people’s feeling in the forefront while making it understood that I also deserve to be respected. This is where I struggle because this is where there seems to be a, “I can walk all over you and you have to smile and like it!” Type of attitude. I really have a hard time controlling my anger whet attitude is going around.

Every aspect of my life looks like someone picked it up and shook it.  I hope to somehow put all these little pieces back in and regain order and some sense of having my ducks in a row. I know things will never be perfect. I don’t expect them to be. But they certainly can be better.




Author: learninglife203

Any time I sit down to put anything in an "about me" section I draw a blank. Let's see if after all these months of having this blog I can drum something up. Hmmm.... Well I can't commit. I have trouble doing anything with the stench of permanency attached to it. I have two children and we are a home school family and we like it! I have a lifelong history of depression and roughly the past 25 years of my life panic and anxiety.I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts and crazy people I'm afraid. I have always been told I am the normal one. I guess all that sobriety must have ensured my position as the black sheep of the family. I used to write a lot but once I became a wife and mother there was no time for that anymore. I have never been good at socializing. I am awkward and never know what to say, how to say it, or when. I have been using this blog as my venting place for all sorts of things though I do hope to include some more pleasant entries in the future. I was obese just a few months ago. I have lost 40 pounds so far and am on my way to a healthy weight. I have some good "fitness friends" who have provided support, encouragement and advice which kept me from getting derailed. I am working on self improvement in a lot of ways. I can't be perfect but I can be better at the very least.

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