Fear of what?

Dizziness. THAT’S what.  Why? I have no idea. How? Well, because of BPPV. Or benign paroxysmal positional vertigo.  I had a round or two of that stupid thing where “ear rocks” come loose and go gallivanting around in the balance apparatus. Usually a few simple head maneuvers is all it takes to fix this thing.


Yet… panic. When I feel any remote hint of a dizzy or lightheaded feeling panic always follows. I don’t get dizzy all the time. And when I do it is usually from my glasses, or turning around too fast or something like that. There is always a logical and non worrisome reason.

But… let me freak out about it right quick alright?

I have lost hours of sleep at night if I wake with a dizzy moment due to sleeping with a “crooked neck” or a rogue ear crystal, dehydration, or whatever it may be. I feel the dizzy wave then comes the adrenaline rush. All out panic. Then the absurd part. I just can’t bring myself to lie back down because I am terrified of another dizzy feeling. I will pace the floor, sit on the edge of the bed scrolling through websites, Google searching reasons for feeling dizzy, how to calm panic, blah blah blah. But I won’t get back into bed and try to go back to sleep. As the hours trudge past I watch the minutes. 5:30 am? Then about 45 minutes later it’s 5:33 am. You get the idea.  Then it’s, “Okay! I am going back to sleep now!” (just as soon as I get another drink of water….check my pulse… check Face Book one more time…. do another Google search….check my pulse…. check my email again….. go to the rest room again….check my pulse….etc….) There I sit perched on the edge of the bed. Contemplating how well I could sleep while sitting up. And you will be glad to know that last night I actually did so well at this that for a few minutes I didn’t even realize I was dozing while sitting straight up. Not even leaning back against something. Just sitting right on up. This is the kind of insanity going on in here at night.

Over the years I have employed meditation and relaxation to varying degrees. I have yet to make it a permanent practice. However when I do it helps me immensely. Kind of keeps the old flight or fight response from kicking me around so much. I have gotten pretty good at talking my self back to reality much of the time. My goal is now to establish (again) and actually maintain some kind of regular practice. For my sanity at the very least.


Rhymin’ and Stealin’

So, I kind of stole an iron. A Rowenta.  It was $73 regular price with 30% off. I don’t normally go all out paying for (may as well be) $80 dollar irons. But hell. My old Sunbeam was full of crap. Literally. Well…full of calcium deposits…Literally.  I was getting so much crud all what ever I ironed, I decided to clean the poor bastard iron. An iron my husband bought to replace the Rowenta he destroyed over 10 years ago. Not an even trade. But hey, It will get the job done. So I set out to clean the nasty thing. All I did was stir up all the crud built up from 10 years of neglect. The more I cleaned it the more crud it sputtered with each burst of steam.  I said to my husband, “I think I’ll go to Joanne’s to check out their irons today, this one is full of crap!” He did not object. So off we went.


Turned out the irons were 30% off! How lovely. I decided the cheapest one at $64 was the one for me.  We had to take the display box to the register so an employee could be called to bring that actual iron from the back. A measure put in place to prevent stealing of the irons. Kind of hilarious considering what happened later… Anyhoo, the thing rang up at $74. I did not catch this mistake until after I paid. At which point an employee and I walked back to check the shelf tag. The display iron was marked incorrectly. Sigh…. oh well. It’s a good iron. $58 dollars after the sale was applied. Not the worst price I could pay.

I took this lovely iron home and discovered something was rattling around inside of it. I figured it would be wise to go and exchange it for the non-rattling variety. Which I did. The lady said, “Oh, you can just run back and grab another one.” I said, “No I can’t. You have to call back and have one brought. They do not stock the irons on the shelf. Likely to prevent (cough cough) stealing”  Finally she understood. Which as an employee she should have already understood. But I digress. On to the thievery. She said, as we waited for the employee to bring the iron, “I’ll just go ahead and give you a refund.” I was thinking it was pointless to refund and then re-ring the same exact item. But then again, I’m just a sensible woman. One who would 24 hours later write a rather long blog about the whole dirty scenario. I had a couple of pieces of candy which I went ahead and paid for. (Why not just pay for the candy when they re-ring the iron you ask? Because that wouldn’t be stealing, now would it?) The line was building behind me.  There were not enough cashiers. The pressure was on. I said, “Here, let me step aside so you can ring the next guest.”  Having already forgotten the refund.

Finally the lady brought the iron. I was explaining the previous iron had the death rattle. I wanted to check the exchange iron to be sure it was rattle-free. Indeed it was. So, I tossed it into my green bag, and walked right on out the door. Later…. about 5 hours later to be exact…. I was standing in  Kroger waiting to cash in a lottery ticket on which I had won $40 bucks. When suddenly it hit me like a bolt of lightning…. I never paid for that exchange iron. God bless… I’m a thief! I called the store to ask if I could pay for it over the phone. But by the time they left me on hold for 5 minutes I just hung up. Figuring I would just call again after I actually pay for my items in “this” store. I called back and again, they left me holding. for. ever.  Finally when they did get back they said, “Let me get your information and I’ll have the manager call you tomorrow!” Well shit… I may as well just go into the store in morning if that was how they were going to do it. So I came home and confessed my dastardly deed to the family, and went to bed feeling like the debil.

I returned to pay for the iron today and I have to say I feel that a weight has been lifted. But I had to point out the Irony… (get it.. IRONy!)  to the cashier. The very system they have in place to prevent stealing, is pretty much what sealed the deal on me stealing this iron. Hell, am I even using that word the correct way? Is this irony? To be honest I don’t even really know the best way to use that word. So I usually do avoid it to keep from looking like an idiot.

Anyhoo, next time I try to exchange an iron maybe they should handcuff me to the counter until the deal is settled. Better not to press your luck I always say. (Get it, press your luck!) BWAHAHAHAAAA… I may be only a fraction as funny as I think I am.



Getting back to normal. Whatever that means.

As if all my slacking weren’t enough I certainly found good reason to slack some more.

My dear grandmother (AKA Memaw) had been getting sick. Well, to start at the top she had a breast lump which she flat refused to have seen. It took about 4 years to get her to finally go have the thing looked at. By the time she caved and went for a biopsy she had not only a lump but a skin ulcer due to the cancer. When they finally were able to get her to keep her appointment for her surgery (which she kept putting off) the lump had actually grown roots. They removed the breast and said the cancer was not in her lymph nodes. It seemed like a miracle honestly.  They gave her a prescription which was supposed to decrease her odds of developing another cancer. She was to take this medication for 5 years. She tossed that medication in the trash and that was that.

Meanwhile, at the beginning of all this I noticed her memory seemed to be slipping a lot. The same conversation would be on a loop for a good half-hour or longer.

“So what are y’all doing for Christmas?”

I would reply, “I’m planning to make a nice dinner and maybe go see some Christmas lights with the kids.”

“Oh well, that sounds real nice. Is there a lot of decorated houses around there where you live?”

“Yes there is, in fact one neighborhood where people drive through and vote on which house is the favorite.”

“Oh that sounds like fun….. So what are y’all doing for Christmas?”

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I could never get mt Father to see it. He always explained it away. But everyone else could see it. She also had some personality changes, and not very nice ones either. She would be uncharacteristically snappish and edgy at times. I thought maybe she was just tired or feeling bad from her surgery. Not the case at all I came to discover.

Anyhoo, fast forward a couple of years after her surgery. She was complaining of lower back pain. The pain never went away. Again, trying to get her to go get it seen took the hand of God. When she  finally went she danced around the truth and refused to go back for a biopsy. “The Dr. said that she couldn’t say it was cancer so there’s good news!” What the Dr. actually said was, “I can’t say it’s cancer unless we do a biopsy.” Memaw had a gift for twisting it just enough to fool us all. She didn’t want to receive what was happening and she didn’t want to worry people. Well, it was cancer again. And she still fooled most of us for quite a very long time about it. I never realized how bad it was. When I called she would say she was getting better all the time, and she had a lot of good help with housework and getting to the store. Her sisters had been there helping her.

One day I called Memaw and her sister told me that Memaw was not able to get out of bed that morning and that they had brought in a hospital bed and she was now under hospice care.  This is when I really knew. Also we needed someone to go and stay with Memaw so she would be able to stay in her own home like she wanted. So I volunteered. Her sister and I rotated days. I would go there with my kids during the week, and she would come back on the weekends. I did the 2 hour drive there each Tuesday and back each Saturday for 6 weeks.

You never realize what it truly means to care for someone at the end of their life until you actually do it. That itself is a few other separate blog posts. At any rate, she passed peacefully and for that I am thankful. She suffered long and it was terrible to watch. I did have the pleasure of some good times with her at the end though. Times when she was feeling social and up to conversations, even if some of those conversations repeated on a loop for an hour or more. We also inherited her Dachshund. Thankfully he is well behaved and housebroken. Now if I can just get him to scoop his own poop…..




Feeling “that” way.

Have you ever been attempting progress at something and been doing pretty good at it? That is until one fancy day you didn’t feel like doing it anymore, at least not in the way you were, yet you also didn’t feel like NOT doing it anymore? Can’t give up and can’t go on. It’s the kind of thing I would expect if I fell down a rabbit hole.

I have been in this new diet and exercise way of life. Not “diet” in the sense that I am “going on a diet” but “diet” in the sense that “I have changed my diet”. You know, in a sustainable and sensible way. Allowing for certain things that won’t have me binging like a wolf who just tasted the blood of his prey.  And trying not to eat things that do if I can avoid them, or at least I avoid these evils more often than not. It was going great. I had control and the desire to keep it up. Then one day not. Just for whatever reason the idea of logging, weighing, measuring and all “that” just felt like too much. Like it was in the way.  I had actually stopped losing weight though I maintained my intake at or below what was supposed to yield a loss. So I went to just not logging anymore. Eating what felt like the right amount. That was the whole purpose of logging and weighing in the first place, to get back to knowing what a normal amount of food actually is. So I’ve done that. Now what? I haven’t gained doing this so it’s bad I don’t think.

Do I keep at this thing? Do I stop? Do I change it again? Do I go this way? That way? The wrong way? The right way? I feel like I am floating around like dust in a sunbeam. Never settling on any surface but standing a great chance of getting sucked up someone’s nostril.


I never know what to do with myself when this… what can I call the feeling…. is it needy? I just wish I had a big warm hug to curl up in. Anxiety…. panic…. they usually lead to a depression of a different kind. They leave me with a longing for human contact that is difficult to get past.


I DON’T want to share and you can’t make me!

I keep secret food in the kitchen that I refuse to share. There. I said it. 

It may be cake, a can of frosting, a pint of ice cream, a can of potted meat, a boat load of asparagus, cream cheese. It could be anything. I sneak in and eat these items in secret. Just a bite or two here and there when I get a moment. I feel angry and annoyed when  anyone comes in during my “bite” and I have to cover up my secret food item so they don’t want some. And I get really angry if someone actually finds my stash. The usual someone is usually my husband. Though sometimes the kids may spot my secret food.  I feel irritated when I hear, “OHHHH I didn’t know we had THIS!” Or an accusing, “You have (fill in the blank here). Is there any more in there?” I have no problem telling him that if he wouldn’t pig out on everything in the house I wouldn’t have to stash it for myself.

Why do I do this? And why do I get so angry when  my “bites” are interrupted or my stash is discovered? I have not always done this. It’s a fairly new habit. Just over the past few years have I felt the need to do this.

A little insight here. Say we have a quart of ice cream or a bag of potato chips or anything else for that matter. My husband is the world’s worst about going in and devouring way more than his fair share with absolutely no regard for others who may want some. He may leave behind some teensy weensy bit that really is only a tease. Or if he serves some to the kids he gives them a whole hell of a lot more than a kid should be having. Basically any such item is never around any reasonable length of time. I don’t think it is reasonable for a quart of ice cream to be gone in a day, or a pack of cookies, etc… some of these things should be eaten in reasonable quantities.

I used to find myself stuffing my face with what ever the item happened to be in an effort to just get my share before the bottomless pit came in to suck it all up. It seemed like a chore trying to just get a damned scoop of ice cream or a couple of cookies before they were all gone. Aside from the fact that it gets expensive trying to keep food in the house it is terrible for a person’s health. My husband is a fat man. He is 5′ 11″ and 235 pounds. He lies in bed all day watching TV on his day off, he has a desk job, he eats massive amounts of garbage, he makes many trips to the kitchen in the night to snack, he knows no reasonable limit. It is not unusual for him to eat a half a box of cereal in a night. I have had to hide necessary food staples in order to preserve our grocery budget. So it’s not just treats, it’s everything really. I guess if we were wealthy that part wouldn’t matter so much. But as I mentioned earlier it is also a matter of health. Have I talked to him? Of course. My words fall on deaf ears.

At any rate. I have stopped the battle of groceries. If I want cake I buy a single slice of cake. I have a couple of bites and stash it. Later on I will have a couple more bites. When I want it the cake is there since no one knows about it. Or that pint of ice cream hidden behind the mountain of frozen vegetables, or that bag of chips hidden in a stock pot. Sometimes I get something and eat what I want of it then put it out for everyone else. Sometimes I feel guilty but then I think of all the times I refrained from eating something because I thought the rest of the family may want some and if I had any it would mean there would not be enough for them. How often does anyone say, “Hey! I think the woman who did all the grocery shopping would like some too!” Never. Ever.

I went through a time of having about zero control over my appetite or how much junk I was eating. Partly it was because I felt if I wanted something I had to beat someone else to it. I think it snowballed from there. I have always been prone to doing thins to obsession anyway. All this trying to get a bite of something while it was around did not help at all. Now that I have lost over 40 pounds and have established normal eating patterns I feel good. Part of hiding certain food comes from trying to maintain this normalcy. I have spent quite a very long time weighing and logging every damned thing that goes into my mouth. I would fall off then gain back some pounds, then get back on again. Now I see what normal eating actually looks like. I haven’t been logging my food lately but I have been mindful of how much I eat. Would that change if I went back to fighting for my food? I think it would. I’m not in here pigging out on some massive stash of deliciousness every day. But when I have a craving, especially during PMS I would like to just have a little of what I really want and not have to beat someone else to it. There seems to be a, “We have to eat this right fucking NOW!” attitude about some food items. I just think it would be nice to have it when I want it and not have to force it down just so I get to have it before it’s gone.

Am I really wrong? I don’t feel wrong.